Stay awake my heart, stay awake.

August 8. 2013 came.
The school bus pulled up right in front of our condo. Freddy & I hugged and squeezed both our boys... Whispering prayers in both their ears. Trusting and hopeful.
It was a new adventure...for all of us. A bit easier for most.

Ryder got on the bus confident and strong. He reminded me that this was nothing new to him, he was in second grade now.
Scout, our youngest, he ran and bounced right on the bus like he had been doing this all along. He was brave & courageous, ready to tackle Kindergarten.
Both looking out the window, Freddy and I were waving. The boys had huge smiles and were excited to embark on this new journey, this new adventure...
I stood there waving until I could see the bus no longer... My heart felt heavy, messy yet so very excited for this new adventure the boys were going to experience this next year... or even day, yea, lets say day, trying to take a day at a time here.

Freddy grabbed my hand and dragged me to the end of the street, to wave once more at the bus... I am not sure if this was more for me or for the boys... none the less, we made it.
They still wore their courageous smiles on their face.
I was at a loss for words. Its as if my heart was being taken away from me.

I began experiencing this sense of preparation of my heart in February of this year. Knowing that Scout would be opening a new chapter of his life, and I would as well.
I had a sense that these feelings of not wanting the moment to come, not for Scout, but for me. I didn't want to be left.
Scout was so ready for Kindergarten... you would think I would be, after a summer of loud, wrestling matches on our family room floor. But I would have those loud wrestling matches here any day.

It was often told to me that " when your boys go off to school you are going to have a party!" and if not the day of "give it a couple weeks."
I didn't... I haven't, well, maybe a "pity party."

As I have been in this constant conversation with The Father, I am asking this day, that I may live awake amongst this deep sense of loneliness. That I may grasp The Father's purpose uniquely created for me. I am being made whole.  

It may seem that I am late to the reading of "One Thousand Gifts" but I look at it, that I am just in time.
 Today I was reading the words of Ann Voskamp and was reminded that God has secret purposes for each of us. Ones that are rarely seen.
She writes that "Gods love letter forever silences any doubts. He renames us- to return us to our true names, our true selves... His secret purpose- our return to full glory."

As all these feelings float to the top of my heart, in the past I often had pressed them back down so I didn't have to feel them... I know this well of myself...

So, today, in this moment, I choose to feel. I choose to be here, in this ache of this loneliness that often swallows me.
I choose to believe in the goodness of the Lord.

Stay awake my heart, stay awake.