I am near.

What a year... pausing to reflect and to remember.
As I reflect it may seem as I may be vomiting words as they come...

The months in between each post is never intended yet the moments I allow myself to pause are few and far between. Why is it that I feel the need from myself for permission to pause? Pausing allows feeling. And I am not always up to feeling unless its all good...
Yet, this is where I am at. Here in this moment. On this particular day. I give myself permission to be here. And feeling.

 You see, hard is hard. Each one of us are experiencing difficult circumstances either directly personal or experiencing them from the effects of others.  All matters we cannot control. I tend to clench my fists tightly... and Gods tendency is always to gently release that tight grip.
 
  My sister, I cannot take away her brain tumor that each day effects her life as a young woman, a wife, a mama of 3 young children. I cannot be there to hold her hand in doctor appointments or hold her close as she again hears more bad news.  I can't hold her as she loses strength walking or cheer her on when she pushes a little further to run a few feet.  I simply can't bring her a Starbucks and sit with her. I can't take her babes and send her for a massage or pedicure...or both in that fact. I can't because there are hundreds of miles between us. This I find anger, clinching my fists fighting God that I am not near her... yet in His gentleness He grabs me time and time again, and whispers "Chele, but I am."

My brother, a daily recovering addict. I can't heal him.  I can't restore our family relationships.  I can't be with him as he musters up courage to walk in weekly to his meetings or to function without substance.  I can't be there to celebrate his 5, 10, 15, 30 day sober and drug free moments! I want to be next to him as he walks this journey.. yet the miles between us are many... clinching my fists fighting God that I am not near my brother in this time.... in The Fathers gentleness, He once again grabs me and whispers "Chele, but I am."

As a church planters wife.... watching loneliness settle in on my husband... Nights filled with restless thoughts of the lack of security in finances, relationships, wonders of the doors closing, to getting second jobs. No miles between him and I yet not always being near.  Clinching fists once again I find myself, fighting God with all the "if only's" and "maybe it would be better's." ... In the Father's gentleness, He once again grabs me " I am near. I have not left.. nor will I leave."

The new chapter in my life as a mama... both boys being in school and me discovering who I am as more than a mama to 2 amazing boys... I still am in wonder. Asking the constant questions to God of who I am and the unique purpose He has for me.  Figuring out who He says I am and that being enough... it has been a heart wrenching journey... Yet My Father, gently reminds me " Chele, I am near."

From the cancer that has swept through the family, to broken relationships, muddy waters and clear. God grabs us and reminds us "HE IS NEAR"
Gods tendency is always to gently release that tight grip as we learn to live with our hands wide open.

So let us trust that, Emmanuel, God IS with us. And may we ask Him to help us in our unbelief.